The End. It is Only the Beginning.

I spent this past weekend in one of my most favorite places in the whole world. Montauk. It is at the very end of Long Island and is a simple, beach and boating town that draws all types of people, from around the world. I've always loved it for its beautiful beaches and ocean waves. I have precious memories from times in Montauk running throughout my life, so returning evokes sentimental thoughts.

This weekend was not an ordinary jaunt out to the beach, but rather a time of spiritual renewal and fellowship with fabulous women taking part in my church's annual retreat. We were incredibly blessed to have fellow blogger, Marybeth Whalen, of Proverbs 31, as our guest speaker. What a thrill to meet her in person and find out she is as loveable, transparent, and inspiring as she seems on her blog. The women adored her and relished the opportunity to use her Holy Spirit inspired thoughts to challenge our personal walk with the Lord and relationships with others. I don't think we have ever had a such an intimate retreat together, and Marybeth was a key part of that experience.

Personally, during the time spent on this retreat, the Lord brought me to a critical place in my healing process. Bit by bit over the past year in and a half, the Lord has unfolded before me truths that I need to take hold of in order to move forward in my relationship with Him and as a functioning member of the body of Christ. For those of you who don't know, in January of 2007, I began counseling to deal with post-traumatic stress from childhood abuse. For ten months, I met with an incredibly wise Christian counselor, who led me through prayer time and helped me to put my emotions in perspective. I grieved childhood memories and accepted responsibility for the choices I made throughout my life. With each step, God chipped away at my bitterness, anger, resentment, guilt, and insecurities, slowly replacing them with the ability to forgive, move forward, and learn to love--really for the first time in my life. Many relationships have been restored, as a result, but one key relationship in my life has not been and I continue to hurt deeply for that one.

Over the past four months, in particular, the grief has been unbearable at times. I have begged God to heal the hurt I feel and to enable me to let go, accept as is, and begin again. I've pleaded with the Lord to bring an end to this healing process so that I could begin again and move on.

This weekend, the Lord answered that pray in an unexpected way with an unexpected realization. I opted to spend Saturday afternoon alone, with the luxury of having my car as a getaway. I drove place to place throughout Montauk, with an anxiousness to get to the beach, even though it was damp, windy, and cloudy. I kept hearing in my head, I just need to get to The End, and at the time I thought this meant the beach, since Montauk is often called "The End." But each time I got out of the car to take pictures and search for a place to commune with God, the emotions pent up went flat and the purpose seemed absent.

After two hours of driving, mixed with a bit of shopping, I ended up back in the parking lot of the hotel. I knew I needed to pray before I went inside, as opportunities to fellowship would distract me from being alone with the Lord. I opened my prayer journal, and this is what I wrote, unedited and raw, but that is the way I want to keep these precious thoughts as I share this moment with you...

Lord Jesus, I am tired and weepy. I am alone, and a little lonely. I feel sad. Grief. The End. What does it mean? The End -- at Montauk? I can't go any further. The End. Montauk for the last time? The End. Grief is over? Healing has begun? The End. Of life as I know it, the beginning of something new? The End. Of what I hoped for from my father, the beginning of what I can hope for with my heavenly Father? The End.

I am at "the end" but I can't get away. I can't. It hasn't felt like the race is done. It is the end but where is the beginning. It is so nebulous. Just like the ocean. Even though the sand appears to end, and the water begins, both coexist together. The water splashing on top of the sand. The waves breaking hard, eroding it all away. There is the beginning -- water, but the sand doesn't ever disappear. The sand is always there, through to the core.

I am the sand. Everything in my life is the sand -- me, who I am! How You made me. The experiences. Sediment. Rock. Diamonds mined from the rough. But then, there is this water, continually coming ashore, washing the wounds clean, leaving a new finish, softening the imperfections.

Really, the defining between the water and the sand can't ever be found. It ebbs and flows. It is one and the same. Jesus, you are my water. You are the beauty in my life. You are the magnificent view that knows no boundaries. You crash upon me, but with gentleness and perfection. You are the purifying force. You are what sculpts me and holds me together.

Jesus, I see you in a new way--I feel you in a new wave of emotion, putting the perfect touch on my life. You are my new life, rinsing me clean of my old one, but not washing it away. Lord Jesus, you truly are my everything, without where would my life be. You bring me to the end of myself, but with that comes a new beginning. I don't have to find The End. I only have to find you. Thank you, Jesus.

On Sunday Morning, I shared this realization with my sisters in Christ. The verse the Lord brought to my attention was one another gal shared over breakfast. It fits perfectly,

Phil 3:13-14

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Ladies, may you press on toward The End, of finding Christ Jesus your prize. There is no end to all our stuff, but there is always a new beginning in Christ.