Stretch Marks Beyond the Flesh

This morning, as I was getting out of the shower, I caught a glimmer in the foggy mirror of my beautifully marked abdomen. Yes, it was beautiful in my eyes, for the first time in my life. I found myself admiring the stretch marks and extra, baggy skin with the pride of a soldier decorated with medallions for his service to his country. It was no longer my body, but rather an instrument in God's work. A body that had the privilege of carrying four children over the course of six years. A body that housed two little ones at once, as they squirmed and pulled my skin in every direction. My body will never be the same. I will never be the same. Marked by the grace of God with His love scarred on my very skin through the experience of pregnancy and childbirth.

But as I admired the work of the Lord this morning, I also thought of the thousands of stretch marks beyond my flesh that have marked my soul. In the past two days, the Lord has been stretching me a very uncomfortable direction. I can only assume that He is in a major process of developing my character, bringing me to a new level of service to Him.

Last night, I was supposed to share a testimony of sorts about how the Lord has worked in my life over the past few months -- in particular through a Biblically-based trauma recovery course I just completed. I spent a few days preparing the short message, and prayed for the Lord to do His work through me. I surrendered it to Him over and over again, as I had no peace in my heart. Yet, I also had no reason to back out, so I kept moving forward in faith, while asking the Lord to intervene if I wasn't supposed to speak. I arrived last night with my husband, excited to see my new friends and caught off guard at the new peace I felt in my heart.

The night was somewhat casual, without a formal program, so I simply awaited for my turn to share. It never came. While some may see this as an oversight, I know it was an answer to prayer. I'm not sure why I wasn't supposed to share last night. I don't know why there was a lack of peace, and then the unexpected peace. The whole way home, I tried to find an answer. My husband, the wise man he is, kept reminding me that I prayed for the Lord to intervene and He did. Yet, that was not of comfort to me. Instead, I spiraled emotionally, and as I was falling asleep, praying, I realized it was because I felt punished by God. I was believing the lie that I must have been a "bad" girl, and God took away this opportunity because I didn't deserve it. Oye! I wasn't a bad girl (in this moment, of course). What I was, however, was a daughter not understanding her Father's change in plans and having a really hard time rolling with His new course.

This morning, as I talked with the Lord about how I felt over this whole event, I heard Him remind me of two truths! First, I need to keep my eyes focused on Christ -- and not what I do for the Lord. (Quite possibly, God loves me so much that He was interested in teaching me so many things about Him through all this prayer, preparation, and handling the unexpected, and wasn't nearly as concerned with having this message delivered to the audience last night!) God has clearly reminded me that my worth isn't in "speaking!" It is in being the daughter of a Most High King.

Secondly, I heard my Father in heaven saying, "I, who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6), and that God is not done with me yet, whether or not I speak or remain silent in the crowd. Wow. What a relief. It really isn't about me! Right! It is about the Lord. I know so many of us struggle to relate the circumstances in our lives according to our own understanding of our worth. We make our lives about opportunities, degrees, and titles, instead of about simply being His daughter and servant in the moment. What a mistake!

I hope that you can take this little lesson -- this stretch mark on my soul -- and apply it to your life, right now in the midst of your Christmas preparations! It isn't what we do that matters. It is who we serve that determines our worth! Friends, let's just let all the hoopla of "what" we do disappear into the sunset, and awake each new morning determined to serve a holy God with a passionate heart ready to take each new turn and unexpected twist with a smile on our face!

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One of my friends, who had a "private reading" of my testimony last night, said I should share this on the blog, so here it is...in a slightly modified form.

My childhood was wrought with dysfunction, but I only recently came to understand that my “normal” was indeed abusive -- physically, verbally, and emotionally. I entered this truth through the backdoor, as I wasn’t looking to uncover past wounds, but rather find a way to bring an end to my anger. Hurting people hurt other people. As I saw the pain I was causing my husband, children, and even myself, with my anger, I knew intuitively that the cause of my behavior was beyond the normal frustrations of life. My issues weren’t related to being an overwhelmed mommy of toddler age twins and two older daughters. It wasn’t because I was involved in intensive ministry or because we were tight on finances. It was that I was carrying around a hardened heart, exhausted from the weight of it and yet clueless as to how to let it go.

God, in His merciful intervention, opened my eyes to the root cause of my pain and to the fact that I needed help. Just as He promised the Israelites in Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh....” -- the Lord was doing the same for me. Through Christian counseling, grounded in Scriptural truth and covered in prayer, the Lord began the work of unpacking my hardened heart a little over two years ago, showing me how to release the hurt to Him, and allowing Him to clean out the scarred over wounds with His truth. The process emptied my heart of so much pain, and with that the anger began to disappear. Although the process was painful, it was better than the denial I had been living in!

The work of the Lord is ongoing. He will use difficult circumstances to draw us closer to Himself (Romans 8:28). This fall, I found myself in a particularly painful situation that triggered past hurts. I quickly slid back into the old beliefs about myself, and the anger began to return. It was time to go the next step in the healing journey. It has been said that the way up to the Lord is by bowing down, by humbling ourselves before Him. I dropped to my knees before the Lord, proclaiming, “I can’t do this any longer. The anger and pain has to stop. There needs to be more of You and less of me! Lord, please help!”

God’s answer came through my participation in a unique trauma recovery program, originally intended for victims of sexual abuse but offering great insight for any women who has face trials in her life. I was hesitant to step out in this direction, but desperate for change. I had been seeking Christ above all things, yet felt much like the man at the pool of Betheseda (John 5). He told Jesus that he wasn’t healed because he had no one to help him into the pool when the waters were stirred and that everyone else was going in before him. I, too, have spent time near Jesus, seeking out the healing waters, but often feeling like I couldn’t get there without help. In my most desperate of times, I’ve sought the help. But I’ve also struggled with the belief that I ought to be able to fix myself, or that others, in front of me had bigger problems that needed to be healed before considering mine. I’ve sat by the pool, knowing I need to be healed, but just waiting in many ways like the paralytic man. Yet, consider this: Jesus’ question to the man was so simple, “Do you want to get well?” Interestingly enough, he didn’t answer “yes,” but instead gave excuses. Jesus’ precious response was a clear instruction, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” While Jesus could have used the waters to heal the man, even carrying him in himself, instead he gave an instruction and healed him instantly. The immediate verse that follow says, “At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” All those years sitting by the pool, without healing and possibly without hope. But in the presence of Christ, the man was healed.

In a similar way, I believe it isn’t the curriculum in this series that heals the woman that has suffered trauma, but it is the encounter with Christ that brings the healing about. It is Christ who is held up and honored through this curriculum, who has been invited in personally, and who does the healing work. The curriculum gives us a new language and understanding of the healing process, showing us how to recognize our wounds and feel the pain, even if it is ugly and filled with anger released to the Lord. We learn how to let go of the shame and guilt, accepting and placing responsibility exactly where it is due. The healing journey turns and twist, as we experiencing total forgiveness -- an ongoing and determined part of the journey that God uses to set us free from the past and launch us into the future for His work! And it finally ends with us taking up our mat -- the testimony of where we have come from -- and walk forward to tell others of what Christ has done in our lives.

Each one of us has experienced a hurt that has changed our outlook on ourselves, others, and God. Each one of us needs to know how to process through that pain to find healing at the foot of the cross. It starts with saying, “Jesus, you are my Lord. I might not understand my life or my circumstances, but I can and choose to accept that as a Sovereign God, you are in control!” It is there we can confess that God sent His Son to die on the cross for our sin, and even for the sin of those that have deeply wounded our hearts. We can believe that in Jesus we will experience forgiveness and be able to offer it as well. Once we have made that step, God opens the floodgates of healing. He takes our broken souls and hardened hearts, just like mine, and turns it to flesh -- giving us the power to love and hope and trust again!

Both the curriculum and support group were clearly used by God to prepare me for the day when I would take up my mat and walk. Each week, the homework and sessions were about much more than just taking a course and discussing it at an intellectual level. It was about listening to the pain in others and understanding that there are varying degrees of trauma, but God doesn’t rate it on a human scale of better or worse. He just heals it -- all of it! It was about seeking Christ with my whole heart opened, not just the nice parts.

The greatest transformation came when I spent time alone with the Lord on a short retreat, prepared to face my grief and anger, as challenged by the homework assignment. God met me in that place, as I cried and screamed from the depths of my soul, releasing all my anger to the Lord. What I found in that solitary moment, was that God could handle my anger better than anyone else! He wasn’t shocked. He also showed me that I didn’t need to carry it any longer. He, the God of the universe, had the capacity for anger much greater than mine. In that profound realization, I came to believe I no longer needed to be angry about the injustices in my life -- past or present. Yes, there is righteous anger that God permits for each of us. But mine, until that moment, was a revengeful anger. When I realized that as God’s beloved daughter, He deeply hurt for my pain -- that He would not stand by and watch it go by unpunished -- I was able to cry out for His mercy on those that hurt me deeply, and recognize the ways that I need His mercy, too! God began the process of forgiveness in my heart at that point, and continues to unfold deeper layers of each day.

Three months ago I wrote my story as a part of my homework. It was lengthy, passionate, and replete with pain. Only two weeks ago, I attempted to incorporate that story into a longer piece. I was shocked to realize that it was no longer my story. While the facts of it were still true, the heart of it had changed. The details recounting the hurt I endured was no longer the message I felt compelled to communicate. My story has changed! The deep pain is truly gone, replaced by His redemptive power in my life, and also in yours. My story is now about God’s ability to redeemed the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25). It is about His ability to take a broken soul like mine, and restore it by His love penetrating my heart.

I know full well that this doesn’t mean that life will be without trouble. What it does mean, however, is that I now have an emotionally healthy and spiritually sound way of looking at life’s challenges. It was hard work that required a deep commitment and sacrifice of time in order to get to this point! But it was worth it, as a new woman has emerged, stronger in the Lord, and more confident of His healing work. I am able to take up my mat and walk. I am better equipped to minister to broken souls, not only sharing about Christ’s love and God’s extravagant grace, but also challenging others to step out on a journey of healing and experiencing true freedom in Christ!

The last thought I would like to leave you with comes from the Scriptures. It is a passage many of us know well, but each time I read it, I am reminded of the work of the Lord and deeply encourage. Listen, with an open heart...in whatever state it might be in, to Isaiah 61, as we consider the Year of the Lord’s favor.

Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD's Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 "For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.

9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.