5:16 Club: Day 24, A Lesson in Transformation

I'm up. I'm up. But I am sleepy and definitely wanted to stay in bed this morning. I feel the longing to do so more often on the weekends. Maybe that is the future compromise - set the alarm for 6:30 am on the weekends, giving myself at least a half-hour before the earliest risers would sprinkle the quiet of the house with their whispers.

Once I get moving, however, it is like I've been doing this forever. I no longer have that comatose-like sleepy drag from the bed to the coffee pot to my chair. My whole body and mind feel much more alert, much faster than when I first started this journey. I can see how God has used time and practice to develop this skill and change my body to handle the new routine. It is a great lesson to learn in terms of the bigger application, as well. God has also transformed me -- my belief, attitudes, and behaviors -- since I became a Christian over fifteen years ago. Yet if I concentrate on the moment, or the current sin desperately trying to steal away any progress, I can easily forget how far I've come because of the Lord's work and my submission to Him.

I've struggled greatly with this over the past week, feeling defeated in terms of my parenting. There are so many times when I see my words or actions and think, "Girl, what is your problem? Cut it out!" When I confessed that to my husband, he chuckled in agreement, not knowing that I see myself as he does. From my perspective, I feel like I'm the mother God wants me to be only 10% of the time, yet from my husband's vantage point, he said it is much more than like 80%. Isn't it interesting in how we perceive ourselves, and how high our own standards can be at times?

As a mom, I am especially frustrated by the the bickering and nit-picking between my girls, and my response to them. I thought it would be different with my kids since their experience is so different than mine was. I am so naive at times, forgetting that sin is sin in this earthly world and the effects will be felt in every situation.

Unfortunately, I have been making matters worse by coming down on them so hard, especially my oldest. It is as though I think I can change them with my words. I know that isn't the solution, and I never feel good about how harshly I express myself. The frustration is misdirected and is taking its toll.

I've cried out to Lord on more than one occasion in the past week, "Lord, what do you want me to do?" Last night He gave me the answer. I was in bed reading, Spiritual Mothering: The Titus 2 Model for Women Mentoring Women, and came across a lengthy section on love in the context of being a key element in the curriculum for a Titus 2 women. I was taken by surprise at how much this pertains to how I should be parenting my children, since the chapter was written as an instruction for how women should mentor women. The reality is that I am mentor of little women, my own daughters.

Let me share portions of this chapter with you...

If we have to be taught how to love our husbands and children, the two most intimate relationships, then surely we have to be taught simply to love.

The Master demonstrated the full extent of His love by the work of a servant. He "took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist...and began to wash his disciples' feet."

To “do love” we must take off those things that will prevent us from being a servant. This demands dealing with selfishness, pride, laziness, insensitivity, and anything else the inhibits our ability to execute love.

We must teach love by demonstrating love. No spoken words will ever teach young women how to love as powerfully as love-filled lives of older women...And remember, our goal is that younger women be encouraged and equipped to live for God’s glory so that His Word won’t be maligned.

As I read these passages, I was very convicted that while I have modeled for my children what it looks like to love to my husband (quite a transformation in and of itself over the past four years as I've learned to practice the Biblical principles of love, respect, submission, and forgiveness), I've not necessarily modeled love toward my own children. I know that sounds shocking, but it is true. Yes, I love them, provide for them, listen to them, and look for ways to meet their needs daily, but my heart is often not in what I am doing. I'm more like a woman doing a job rather than being a servant following the example of Christ washing the disciples' feet.

I must confess, I've also modeled an attitude of selfishness, pride, laziness, and insensitivity. I've used the excuse of "it's training for them to do this or that" but I know my heart in the matter is usually not right! What I've been modeling, I see occurring in their relationship -- especially from the oldest toward the youngest. I do believe it is the root cause of their fighting.

Seeing this truth is risky, in that I could easily strive to become a super-servant with the hopes that my kids will become super kids and have a super relationship. How I know that is just not God's way! Sin is sin, no matter how old we are! But as God has opened my eyes to my own issues, it is my responsibility to act on this lesson -- not for the outcome on my kids, but out of submission to the Lord.

Apparently, I have a lot to learn about love and being a servant as it is theme that keeps coming my way through the Scriptures and many books. I am so very grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me just the rebuke, encouragement, and teaching I need to become the woman He intended. Now it is time to put it to action, by His grace and strength.

Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.