Something Big!

God's doing something big in me! I don't know what exactly nor how He'll accomplish it, but I know, in my spirit, that I am at a CROSSroads. It is time for monumental change, not in my circumstances but within my heart.

It has been so clear to me lately that what is going on "inside" needs a major transformation. Anne Ortlund writes in "Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman,"

But remember, for all your adult life you'll be a woman. And how you live your life as a woman, all by yourself before God, is what makes the real you. Nothing on the exterior can touch or change that precious inner sanctuary -- your heart, his dwelling place -- unless you let it. And God, who loves you very much, has tailor made all your outer life -- your circumstances, your relationships -- to pressure you into becoming that beautiful woman He's planned for you to be.

My "inner sanctuary" is constantly effected by the world around me -- relationships, especially. It is not a protected place, devoted to God. I want it to be, but this isn't my reality! Is it yours? Do you, too, feel like there is a disconnect between who you want to be and how you want to react, and what you actually say and do? Do you see the vision of the beautiful woman God wants you to become, but know that you sabotage His mission with every indulgent response to your emotions and temptations swirling around?

Paul has captured this struggle so well in Romans 7 (the whole chapter), and in particular, verse 15,

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

My struggle is rooted in sin, as is the case for each one of us. But it is so unrecognizable at times. My habits are so deeply ingrained, even though my mission is for Holy Ones, instead of Coping Ones.

I feel like one of those Click-it Polly Pocket toys. Here's this little figure, seemingly normal and perfect. Snap on her pretty outfit and all seems dandy. But it is not. Snap-on Christianity doesn't work. You can't add-on your faith and expect transformation inside. The new life must replace the old life, not just cover it.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

But how? I know, intellectually, that this starts with recognizing the old habit, repenting of it, and putting on a new holy habit. But some habits are so subtle that we hardly realize our action until it is too late. Yet, it is in God's mercy that we can even see what we are doing and choose a different path next time. Oh, the dichotomy! We can't even change unless it is God working within us!

I've tried, for years to change my outer life, with the hope that it will protect the inner sanctuary that is so prone to explosion and injury. If I could just slow down, avoid that point of conflict, escape that difficult relationship, then everything will be fine. But it never is. The new routine never lasts. The "removal of the uncomfortable" is eventually replaced with another challenge. The outer life is OUT of my control. I can never make it the utopia my mind envisions.

So what is left for me to do? Only one thing. Surrender my heart to God, unashamedly, without a hidden agenda and without holding a bit of it back. I can't change my outer life. And honestly, I can't change my heart either. But God can. He can change me, from the inside out, so that I become the beautiful woman He desires. A woman who...

responds gently...instead of defensively

brings joy...instead of destruction

shares peace...instead of strife

loves deeply...instead of fearfully

trusts fully...instead of suspiciously

hopes eternally...instead of doubting earthly

These are good things to want to see changed in my inner sanctuary. It is not only for my sake that I desire to see the Lord change me from the inside out, but for the sake my loved ones -- my husband, children, extended family, friends. These sweet souls have lived for years with a wounded little girl, responding from habits created in fear and determined to protect. But I'm not that little girl anymore. It is time to stop living like her. It is time to start living like the beautiful, strong, loving, gentle, faith-filled woman He created.

It is time for something big to happen --
for God, not me, to be the one to change a surrendered heart.

God, change me from the inside out. Change us to be the beautiful women you desire us to become!

By His Grace & Mighty Power,

P.S. This song so perfectly describes the desires of my heart, yet I can hardly listen to it! We sang it almost every week in the church I grew up in, and there is still much grief associated with that time in my life. But I share it with you, hoping that your story is different and maybe this song will bring you to a holy place of petitioning the Lord for a change in your heart.