I Have Learned a Fantastic Parenting Secret!

Would you like me to let you in on it?

Really, it is amazing!!

I can't believe I never heard of this before, because it works!

So let me spill the beans. It is called strength-based parenting. When I first heard of this concept, I scrunched up my nose and shook my head, thinking, "How could this really work?" I recoiled, thinking this was about making the child feel good in order to ease the pain of discipline for disobedience.

Feeling good has never helped me cope with trials or remove the consequences of my own disobedience. I don't want to water down correction of my children with empty praise in order to make them feel better. But I do want them to hear me and respond, so I am willing to consider how to improving on my communication as a mom.

With our little ones, we've used Shepherding a Child's Heart as our baseline parenting guide. It resonates with Scripture and we have seen amazing fruit as a result of God's grace and power equipping my my husband and I to use Shepherding principles consistently over the years (truly a miracle, when you consider the dynamics of my family of origin). While the application and intensity has been different with each child, the results are wonderful. Our children know that they are expected to:

1. obey the first time,
   
2. joyfully obey
   
3. show respect to others in their words and actions
   

...and if they don't there will be consequences. Our children are a pleasure to be with and we can trust them to behave with others. Of course, parenting is parenting and children are children. There's always a disobedient moment and an opportunity for training,

While Shepherding a Child's Heart has been a valuable tool for training our young ones, we've been at a loss at times with the older ones (over age 6). In particular, find it more and more of a challenge to offer instruction to my 10 year old without crushing her spirit. I know her so well, it is hard to bite my tongue and let the Holy Spirit do the work. Her issues are deeply rooted in the heart -- the way she treats her sister, thinking of others, being easily offended, tempted by the dazzles of this world. Isn't this true for all of us? And it is the Lord that changes our hearts, not mere words or demands from others. However, God uses the body (parents with their children) to speak the truth in love. So how do we go about doing just this?

As my daughter matures into a young adult, I want to encourage her according to the Word and offer her heart-related instruction. Yet often my words are strung together with criticism and correction. The strength-based approach provides a new way to structure my conversations with her, and her younger sister. It is amazing to watch the transformation of her response. Instead of a crushed spirit there is both a glimmer of hope and tears of humble response. What an incredible difference!

Strength-based parenting is not about empty praise! It is the soothing balm to open a child's heart to correction and training. This is how it works:

1. Acknowledge the child's disobedience or heart-issue
2. Mention a few of the child's strengths, which could be applied to this particular situation
   
3. Conclude with a clear expectation of how you would like to see them respond in the future, using Scripture for instruction if at all possible
   
   ...in addition...
   
   
4. Tell them the consequence for their disobedience or heart-issue
   
5. Offer your help in encouraging right behavior, maybe through roll playing or coming up with a key-word to mention if the situation was to arise again
6. Pray together! Be sure to lead the child through the process of asking for forgiveness of the Lord and others.
   

I am awed at how the strength-based approach is a natural component to shepherding a child's heart. What a blessing to have such a simple technique to use in training up our children.

Even though I've spent dozen of years working with teenagers, it is indeed different with your own flesh and blood. The sin is too close for comfort and often makes finding clarity in parenting difficult. Yet the simple process of remembering the strengths God has given our children softens our tone, brings crystal clear vision to each situation, and gives an encouraging hope to an otherwise dreary moment.

I pray you will be blessed and encouraged in the Lord as you train up your children! On our knees is the best place to start!

By His Grace & Mighty Power,