Another Word on Marriage: Generation Next Marriage

Tricia Goyer has delivered well in her new book, Generation NeXt Marriage: The Couple's Guide to Keeping It Together. Reading this books feels like sitting down with Tricia while sharing a hot cup of coffee with a dear friend. She passionately looks at the state of marriage in our culture and challenges us to do it differently.

Goyer shares not only her thoughts on what it takes to keep a marriage working, but also statistics facing our generation as well as opinions of others, especially those from Generation X. Page after page, I was encouraged and comforted to know that I am not alone and that much of my marital experience is universally shared with my peers, which stems from the response of our own parents to the culture they were deeply influenced by.

Tricia gives plenty of opportunity to laugh and chuckle at the lessons we're learning, too, like this one about dating...

And yes, John tromped through the mall with me for hours at a time and wore the new clothes I picked out for him. After all, he was just like one of those birds that display its brightly colored feathers, strutting its stuff, as part of its mating ritual. John was on his best behavior.

As Madonna sang, "It's all brand new...I'm crazy for you." But often times we discover that the things that make us crazy-in-love are the very things that make us insane during marriage. Can anyone give me an amen?

The format of this book is unique. Divided into 19 different chapters, Goyer lightly considers theoretical aspects of culture and relationships combined with the practical application of how to communicate better and resolve conflict. What stands apart is how each chapter is packed with quotations from others, so that it feels like you're part of a bigger group considering the dynamics of marriage. There is also a discussion guide at the end of the book that points to specific Scriptures to study further as well as questions.

If you're marriage is in need of a energy boost, or if you are looking for a small group discussion guide on marriage, this is a worthwhile read. Tricia has put together a relevant and worthwhile resource that should become required reading for everyone belonging to Generation X.

For more information about Tricia, visit her website: http://triciagoyer.com/

Click here to order Generation NeXt Marriage: The Couple's Guide to Keeping It Together

Is there a woman in the home?

I heard a bit of a great sermon series from Chip Ingram in the car the other day and just finished listening to it. It is profound! I hope you can listen, too. They are about 30 minutes each.

Here's the link: http://lote.org/listen/listenDaily.php

Look for House or Home? Is there a woman in the house? Part 1 and then Part 2. And if you have the time, listen to the one about men first! It was very convicting to me!

A Respect Challenge for Wives

Ephesians 5:33 Amplified

However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].

Okay all you married women out there, I have quite the little challenge for you in regards to your marriage, thanks to the inspiration of Anne Ortlund in her book, "Disciplines of the Home." Anne dedicates an entire chapter to the subject of women respecting their husbands, echoing everything I've previously written about on this subject. But she offered a new twist on the timeless word from Ephesians 5:33, suggesting that we ought to evaluate ourselves on a scale of 1-10, in how we are doing as wives fulfilling this command. We can take her challenge to the next level by using the Amplified version to provide a greater framework for looking closely at how we're really doing.

Wife, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being best, rate yourself....

Do you...

• respect him
• reverence him
• notice him
  
• regard him
  
• honor him
  
• prefer him
  
• venerate him
  
• esteem him
  
• defer to him
  
• praise him
  
• love him
  
• admire him exceedingly

With your honest answers, between you and the Lord, get on your knees and pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. And then apologize, if fitting, to your husband for the many ways you've been disrespectful to him. Trust me, this is an investment into your marriage and your family that will reap great rewards. God just loves it when we are humble and sincere!

Be blessed, ladies!

Are You Really Loving Your Husband?

I hope so! As I've confessed before, I'm just learning how to do that! Lysa TerKeurst reminded me all about that today when she posted about loving your husband in honor of her at in honor of her 15th wedding anniversary (by the way, Lysa, CONGRATULATIONS!!!).

Here's what I shared:

Even though I've been married for 11 years, I just realized this summer (long story) that I have not truly loved my husband. I've liked him, enjoyed him, needed him, but...love...well, not really. Not like how 1 Cor 13 declares love should be; not like how Jesus loves us.

I was overwhelmed with grief, and thought, "If I wasn't a believer, I'd walk out right now out of sheer guilt and sense of failure." Instead, I begged the Lord for forgiveness and help. I ran to my husband and confessed, as well. He was shocked, of course, but comforted me and again, poured out unconditional love on this wounded woman, who was just beginning to understand true love, from an earthly man.

Ever since, I've looked hard for ways to live out 1 Cor 13 and have prayed for God to show me opportunities to express real love for my treasured husband. Sometimes it has been practical, like hopping up first to grab a fork from the kitchen or pour him a drink. Sometimes it has been showing my man respect by listening to his opinion and keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes I've just reached out and touched him affectionately, without it being about my needs. And sometimes, it has been about moving out of my comfort zone and being bold--like wearing an "I love my husband / And I respect him, too!" t-shirt that I made/purchased from zazzle.com (you can see it on my blog, www.extravagantgrace.net, if you scroll down the sidebar). Boy, does he smile when I sport that shirt!

Most recently, I put a picture of my handsome hubby on my desktop. That was after I asked him if he thought it was loving or just pathetic to have a pic of him at my desk. Now mind you, I just read, "The Disciplines by a Beautiful Woman," by Anne Ortlund and was challenged by her description of having a picture of her husband above her desk. Honestly, I thought, "How pathetic!"...as my mental history scrolled forward contaminating everything in the present! Can you believe that even went through my mind? I was even shocked! Eventually, I summoned up the courage to ask hubby what he thought about it and he replied, "Pathetic is cute, and loving, too." So, I surprised him the next day with a photo from the summer on my desktop of my computer. Boy, did he feel loved when he stumbled on it later that night.

These are just some of the ways I am learning to love my husband. Hmm. Maybe I should repost this toooo long comment at my blog and challenge my friends to consider how they are loving their husbands, too!

I'm curious, too! How do you show love to your husband? And while you're thinking about love, share with me how you love on your children, parents, siblings, and friends! I'm such a newbie at this 1 Corinthians 13 style of love, I can use all the advice and ideas you're willing to give!

Be sure to swing over to Lysa's site and leave a comment for her, too!

IOW: Love is...

"Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible--terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved."

~ Hannah Hurnard ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've turned and turned this quote in my mind over the past few days. Each time, my thoughts head in one particular direction, away from specifically writing about this quote, yet very much about the meaning of love.

About a month ago, in the midst of reading, A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart, by H. Norman Wright, I realized that I truly didn't know what it means to love another person--specifically my husband and children. Now before you say anything to the contrary, hear me out.

The realization came when I was working through one of the forgiveness exercises carefully woven into Wright's book. Like a wave of the sea crashing on my heart, I found myself before the Lord, forgiving my father for not loving me the way I needed to be loved...for not showing me, by example, how to love a spouse...for not responding to me and encouraging me as a daughter...for not teaching me how to love my own husband and children...and for not actively loving my family now.

Mind you, my father taught me many wonderful things, like how to never give up, to work hard, and to be confident in my abilities, and for that I am extremely grateful. However, as I went through this heart-wrenching exercise, I remembered some of descriptions of my own father's childhood and realized that he most likely never experienced love, either. It made perfect sense to me that this is why he had difficulty expressing love in the words and actions I longed to feel from him, too, even though he tried to make his love known through providing for our family and giving us many luxurious experiences.

The Lord used this little forgiveness exercise to bring me to a place of true and ongoing compassion toward my father. But the lesson didn't stop there. I continued sitting with the Lord, talking with Him about my relationship with my dad, as a another wave hit my soul. I realized, with a deep sinking in my gut, that I have only worn the mask of loving my own family, and even the Lord Jesus. No one else would be able to tell, but I knew that I knew that I knew in that moment that my understanding of love needed to undergo a radical transformation, a process that had to begin with humble confession and true repentance.

I sought out my husband, knelt before him while he was sitting on the couch, and tearfully apologized for not loving him the way he ought to be loved. Of course, he was shocked and a bit overwhelmed, wondering where I was coming from and going to with all this emotion. He accepted my apology, assured me that he hasn't never felt unloved by me, and rejoiced with me in my new commitment to love him (with respect, of course), and our children from that point forward.

The truth is that my acts and words of love have been all about me. Getting married, saying "I love you," and being busy finding time together, filled my need to belong to someone. Having children was merely the fulfilling a childhood dream to have another soul love me unconditionally, even if she was donned with little bows and sweet frilly dresses. But what, in all these years of so-called loving, have I given, without compulsion or selfish ambition? What have I laid down for my family, without picking up the banner of martyr-hood? Honestly, nothing. I am so easily irritated each time I have to put aside my own desires for my family's sake. I know in my head that what the loving thing is to do, but in my heart, my selfishness does battle with sacrifice.

But I serve a merciful God, who knows the state of my heart and woundedness of my soul. This awesome God of mine loves me too much to leave me just masking around with the pretense of love. He bestowed on me husband with a servant's heart, who continually demonstrates a love I never knew was possible--the side that doesn't not boast, is not easily anger, and never gives up. And the Lord gave me not just two children I hoped for, but four--doubling my blessings beyond my greatest hopes and dreaded fears. Through them, He is teaching me that love keeps no record of wrongs, rejoices in truth, and always hopes.

Most importantly, the more I grow in understanding of the crucification, the more I understand the power, dimensions, and all-encompassing freedom that is the love of God. Not only is He love, but He gives us the ability to love. Through the cross, His word, and the fellowship of others, He continually presses our hearts to the mirror, forcing us to see the reflection of His love. There is no greater love than this!

Hurnard said that "Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible--terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved." She is right. God's love for us is determined to not leave a single blemish or unworthy moment or thought in us. For that, I am eternally gratefully.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for visiting EG and leaving your comment.
Be sure to visit "Ink it Blog " to read her take
on the quote and to leave your link
along with the other participants.

Respect from a Noodle

What does respect from a noodle have to do with loving my husband and wearing this shirt?

Well, let me see if I can explain.

Women are noodles.
And by the way, they think in pink and hear in pink,
and also need to be loved.

Men are like waffles.
And by the way, they think in blue and hear in blue,
and also need to be respected.

Yes, I said that women, typically speaking, are like a bunch of spaghetti noodles. As they communicate and share deep thoughts, they tend to travel all over the plate. One noodle can touch a huge surface area. The comparison is to men, of course. They are not noodles. They are waffles, meaning that they think in little boxes and their communication style sticks pretty close to the subject at hand or the event taking place.

Now before you give me credit for coining this idea, let me tell you it has been a learned truth and not a discovered one. Thanks to Bill and Pam Farrel, my husband and I were able to enjoy their very light hearted but effective teaching on the subject through a small group video series, "Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences."

Over the course of seven sessions including workbook assignments, the Farrel's unpack the typical differences in the way men and women communicate as well as offer plenty of ideas on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. They also touch on how to better understand your children by considering how God uniquely created everyone with a different style of processing information. While the Farrell's advice plays up typical gender differences, their suggestions are extremely valuable even if you don't fit the mold!

As my husband and I spent the summer putting these noodle and waffle ideas in practice--i.e., my husband got busy learning how to "pack his bags and go on the emotional journey with me," while I tried to figure out how to stay in the box and help him understand how my thoughts connected together in a logical way--we were also being deeply influenced by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' series, "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs." Of course, we didn't intend to view both series over the same period of time, but after just glimpsing at Eggrerichs' material, we were pretty sure they would worked hand-in-hand to unpack typical marriage pitfalls and the way out.

The Love & Respect series, in particular, intrigued us because of the depth of the material. It was twice as long, encompassing five DVDs that included 14 total sessions. While Farrell's light-hearted approach and practical applications were extremely beneficial, Eggerichs' deeper theological approach and psychological explanations offered more meat to chew on. We opted to watch them over four months, popping them in on a weekend night instead of watching TV.

Eggerichs' principles are so simple. Men hear in blue and speak in blue. Women hear in pink and speak in pink. Sometimes we need to slow down and translate for each other. Even more important than this pink/blue concept is that men are designed to respond to respect while women are designed to respond to love. The crazy cycle happens when a husband doesn't feel respected, so that he doesn't give love to his wife, and she doesn't feel loved so she doesn't give respect...and on and on. He challenges men and women alike to give what the other needs instead of focusing on what you want to receive.

Now, you may be wondering why my husband and I have invested so much time into this marriage stuff? Well, I have to admit, it was something I felt needed more attention than my husband did, but by the grace of God, he felt it was not an inconvenience. We have been married for eleven years and both of us come from broken homes. While our marriage has been good overall, we've had our fair share of communication problems and mistakes. As I'm sure you've experienced, bad habits tend to be harder to break than good ones. My husband and I have found ourselves more and more frequently in a crazy cycle of bickering over nothing rather than dealing in loving and respectful ways with the issues at hand.

I'd have to say that we've truly reaped the benefits of all this marriage training. Learning about our God-given differences in communication styles as well as our differing need for love and respect has been a huge blessing on our marriage. We still struggle to keep the bad, old habits from being alive and active, but through God's grace, usually one of us remembers the concepts and techniques we've learned, applying them to diffuse the squabble and work things out more peacefully.

We've also changed how we interact in a normal moment. For example, instead of interrupting my husband while he's watching a game, and probing him to tell me what he's thinking about, I pull up alongside him and wait until commercial break to share my story or pick his brain. And instead of my husband glazing over wondering where I am heading in my conversation, he looks intently into my eyes carrying his bags on the emotional journey. We've also picked up Eggerichs' phrases, "Did I come across disrespectful? I am sorry. What I meant to say was...", "Did that feel unloving? I am sorry. I meant...", and "I know you're a good-willed person...".

Yes, we've learned that women are like pink noodles hungry for love while men are like blue waffles craving respect. And as a result, we're on a mission to practice what we've learned for the sake of our marriage and our children's future. But we're also just as nuts about challenging other couples to invest in their marriage using these resources. The results are so profound, with the ability to change a marriage caught in the "crazy cycle" into a union that glorifies God and testifies to His amazing, extravagant grace.

In addition to both these video series, the author's have produced books and workbooks for folks wishing to learn the concepts on their own. Here is what they have available at Amazon:

You can also check out their websites:

http://www.masterfulliving.com/

http://www.loveandrespect.com/

And now you know why I have in my Zazzle.com gallery store a t-shirt that reads, "I love my husband! And I respect him, too!" Grab the slogan and customize it to a shirt of your choosing! Tell the world that loving our husbands means respecting them, too!

I love my husband and respect him,... - Customized by extragrace
Get this custom shirt at Zazzle